I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
