Got a toothbrush?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
