I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
