My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
