yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
