Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
