chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
