ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
