someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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