I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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