A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Success! We fucked roommates!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
