I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
