call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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