I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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