theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
