How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
