i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
