She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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