im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
