dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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