She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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