Your mouth is God's brothel.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
