Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm too high and old for this...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
