the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
