if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
