im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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