it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
