Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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