Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
