Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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