a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
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dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
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Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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