I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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