Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Is it because I queefed?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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