God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
