I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
