The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
