I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
