If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
