CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
