i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Houston, we have a squirter
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dear god my vagina.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
