I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
