Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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