How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
