My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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