Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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