i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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