Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
