i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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