I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
