I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
