The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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