Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize