just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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