I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
They have beer where we have blood.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
