I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
