im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
