I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Too much gin, very little bucket
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
