So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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