these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
