shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
