I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
