This is not my ceiling
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
