and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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