im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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